Air Travel: What Not To Do at 30,000 Feet

It’s a given that at some point during your business career you will need to get on a airplane, fasten your seatbelt, and fly through the air at 600 mph. Prior to heading to the airport, everyone will be wishing you a good flight and you’ll be hoping the same.

But people don’t hate bad flights. It gives you something to talk about when you come through the arrivals gate and you are bombarded with the the obligatory “How was the flight?” You just can’t wait to say “Oh man, you wouldn’t believe this one…”. Most of the time you can’t even wait for the arrivals gate. The second the seatbelt sign is off and the plane is on the ground, your blackberry is booted up and you’re madly typing “OMFG. U won’t blieve this flight!! LMFAO :-D, this guy…”

The following tips will help to ensure a safe and comfortable flight and hopefully help you avoid you being “that guy”.

Unacceptable Airplane Actions (DON’T):

• Understand that traveling from the west coast to London, England is a long flight. However, this does not mean that you should let your three feet of greasy black hair down and comb it out into the shared aisle space for 45 minutes. If you must do this, please at least leave your socks on to cover your overgrown gremlin toenails

• If the person in the aisle seat is female and working on her laptop, and you are an older male of festively plump proportions sitting in the inside seat beside her, it is not appropriate to “save her the effort” of getting up by attempting to “squeeze by” her in order to go to the washroom. Not only is this not physically possible, but even if you went ass first to avoid making it “awkward”, the woman is still throwing up in her mouth.

• Although it is important to encourage reading to children, reading a novel out loud to your child on a red-eye flight is not acceptable. Try melatonin or on of those child-size bottles of scotch instead.

• Avoid Mexican food before taking flight. Contrary to popular belief, pressurized cabins do NOT mask the scent of a bad burrito to the person sharing your armrest, and the oxygen masks will NOT fall no matter how much that person begs the flight attendant for one.

• Trenchcoats. Seriously. Just leave them at home.

• Just because the person beside you had to take their iPod off for landing doesn’t mean they want to talk to you for the 45 minute descent and taxi to the door.

Acceptable Airplane Actions (DO):

• If there is severe turbulence and everyone is screaming, and for some reason you’re not scared enough to be white-knuckled to the armrests, please assume the prayer position and make sure to pray for all the people around you, not just your selfish self.

• If no food is offered on the flight, not even a bag of measly pretzels, and you pull out a bag of delicious smelling Peanut M&Ms or similar snack, do offer the person beside you some. Note: this does not mean that said person is obligated to talk to you at all during the flight. This is a one-sided kind gesture and karma will get your back later. Just be patient.

• Most likely during a red-eye or longer flight you will become drowsy and nod off for awhile. Consider a breath mint, or perhaps some gum, prior to your sleepy head tilting itself sideways at the perfect angle to direct your heavy dragon breath on the person beside you. Don’t worry about choking on the mint. The person beside you will be so grateful of your delightful breath, that they will no doubt immediately apply the Heimlich maneuver and save your life.

• Do watch the safety video making sure to read the English subtitles, especially if flying a foreign airline where they attempt to incorporate humor into the video. “Yes, Foreign Flight Air, I did watch the safety video! It showed a guy smiling and lighting a fire in the washroom garbage can. There were lights, fireworks, and smiley faces. Of course I thought it was acceptable, if not encouraged, to smoke on the plane!”

Share your best flight story in the comments. You know you have one just waiting to be re-told..

Maybe She’s Born With It, Maybe It’s Maybelline: The Stress of Makeup-Less Business

Have you ever come across a time when it’s 6:30 a.m. and you’re in a hotel room in Silicon Valley, California, the brand new suit you bought for the big annual meeting hanging in the closet, and you reach into your makeup bag to complete the masterpiece that is your face by applying the oh-so-necessary mascara, only to find the key item missing?

Step back about 15 hours. You’re packing a small overnight bag so you don’t have to check it for the flight. You’re trying your best to fit everything into that pathetic Ziploc bag and you curse the facial product industry for making everything just slightly over 100mL. Because you have a bit of traveling to do, you leave putting your makeup on for last as to get the freshest face for the longest time possible. Dancing along to Lady Gaga on your iPod, you coat your eyes beautifully with a new Revlon Grow Luscious, grab your bag and book it out the door.

Fast-forward about 7 hours. You’re reached your hotel and check in for the night. Looking forward to a good sleep in a fairly decent bed, you thoroughly wash your face, making sure to cleanse, tone, and finally apply a solid night cream.

Eight hours later, you awake suddenly to the sharp RING RING RINGGG of the wake-up call. But you’re not fazed. You’re confident because you were asked to come to this important meeting, you have a fantastic new suit that fits perfectly, and you straightened your hair the night before and it still looks good.

Now return to 6:30 a.m: I am in the middle of nowhere, just about to leave to an important meeting, and I am missing my mascara. Had I noticed this significant dilemma eight hours earlier, I would have left the all-day grime of travel and sweat on my face the night before and slept with my face pointing at the ceiling all night to avoid smudging!

Of course when traveling for business, odds are that you are traveling with a male colleague as opposed to female. The problem with this being that unless said male is a businessman by day, drag queen by night, he likely does not own mascara, let alone bring it on business trips. I rip open the blinds. Look left, then right, then directly ahead. No CVS, no Walgreens, no hookers with purses of which I would pay $1000 for a partially used mascara stick.

Since this Revlon is usually the absolute last (and most important) item I put on in the morning, I now only have 10 minutes since noticing its absence until we leave for the meeting.  Googlemap. There is nothing within miles. I contemplate my options: go to the lobby and ask the front desk if they have any? Break into someone’s room and hold them up with a mini bottle of shampoo and a Do Not Disturb sign folded into a sword?

In a last ditch effort, I attempt to fabricate mascara out of watered down eyeliner and try to paint my eyelashes with a liner brush.  Failure.  My previously relaxed body is bordering on nervous breakdown.  Tearing open my computer bag, I see a black Sharpie and get down to business.  After five minutes of frantic “drawing” of my eyelashes (apparently not the same as drawing on eyebrows), I realize it is useless. My eyelashes are now somewhat black, but just as frail and pitiful as if I had no makeup on at all.

Out the window I see my male boss heading to the rental car and looking for me. Utterly defeated and now stressed as ever, I head out while having one last depressing look in the mirror. Outside, I get in the passenger side of the car, avoiding eye contact. There is no comment, but his facial expression betrays that his mind is contemplating that I must have got severely wasted the night before, alone in my hotel room, which would explain the haggered look of my eyes, and the aura of complete stress emitting from my body.

The car starts and we head east towards the meeting. I flick on the radio: “Don’t hide yourself in regret, just love yourself and you’re set, baby, I was born this way. Thanks for the support Gaga, but I still look like shit.